Finally Got Back To Work

Finally got back to work tonight, beginning a business plan for a part-time web consulting business I hope to open by 1 December. I also posted to my real blog at www.jacoulter.com. I mentioned some of the problems drinking have caused.

An interesting article in today's L.A. Times on acceptance of a new definition alcohol abuse that more clearly identifies it as separate from alcohol dependence:
You can cut back on alcohol. Guess I'm proof that you can cut back or cut it out all together without outside assistance. I've done it several times in the past few years and used to do it without thinking because my drinking was confined to occasional weekends or special events. Since coming here and starting a new career I became an almost daily drinker, getting hammered at least once usually more times a week.

But the fun finally wore off after five years and I'm finding everyday I'm sober to be better than the last. It's almost like visiting a strange country.

Seven Days of Sober

This time a week ago I was well on my way to another hangover. I was having fun, but I'd been drinking most of the day because I was hungover from the night before. I was surrounded by my friends, who are all drinkers too, which might explain why I went from being an occasional drinker to a full-time drunkard.

I had a quiet day today. Still not sure what to do with myself, but I fixed french toast for my girlfriend who stopped by on her way home after work. I actually went wandering in a home improvement store to kill some time. I have a leaky shower door and I needed a scraper to remove the old caulking so that was my excuse for driving across town. But it beat sitting on the back deck or the couch missing cigarettes.

After I completed that minor project I started yard work and soon realized just how out of shape I've become. I was cutting back palmetto and thinning out shrub trees and I got tired very quickly. I ate too much for lunch too (a full can of Hormel's chili and a P.B.J. with saltines, potato chips, and whole milk - yum!) and dozed on the couch before going back to work. I spent two more hours cutting and dragging and cutting and dragging and at the end my back was sore but the tension in my shoulders and neck was gone so that made it worth it.

My eating is still too much too often. But my mood was improved today so I'm hoping I'll translate that into enthusiasm for exercise and a proper diet. Soon, I hope.

Day Six for Sobriety - cont'd

I really want a cigarette and a drink. The craving is at its worst right after I eat, and I keep eating to suppress the craving. Nice.
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One change I have noticed is the tension I'm feeling in my neck and shoulders. It means I need to exercise - a nice thirty minute jog would do wonders. I haven't felt this tension in a long time because instead of exercising I've been drinking. Without the booze my body is returning to normal.

So I need to start exercising again but I'm not looking forward to the first week - and to be honest I'm worried. I think its been at least nine months since I've been to the gym or gone for a run. I've put on fifteen pounds. I'll need to take it easy until I'm sure I can press it.

I haven't had a proper physical in six years - I need to do that too. But I don't want to go see a doctor in the shape I'm in. I'd be embarrassed which is a reason for not getting a check-up. So maybe I should make myself a deal and make an appointment after thirty days of exercise.

When will I start exercising again? I think Monday is a good day to start. But I'm wondering if I should go back to my old routine of getting up at 0400 Monday -
Friday and driving to the base gym or if I should do like I used a long time ago and run after work. Its definitely warmer after work and I'll be able to see more of the neighborhood and this really is the best time of year - cool and dry. But getting up early worked well because I got my work out done first thing and didn't have to worry about making excuses not to go later in the day or evening.

Man, I want a cigarette and a drink.

Day Six for Sobriety

Wow - I haven't been this sober for this long in several years. And its strange - I find myself wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't know if it's a combination of withdrawal from the nicotine and not getting hammered every night like I've been doing for the past nine months or just fact that I'm not doing what I'm usually doing on a Saturday night.

The craving for nicotine is still strong. I seem to need to have something in my mouth at all times - food, gum, sunflower seeds, or one of those small plastic straws used to stir coffee or cocktails. I know the craving will fade but I sure wish it would hurry up. Part of the problem is I'm not doing anything physical or that requires any concentration - so my mind is free to wish I had a cigarette.

The past few days have been depressing. I find myself wondering if I wouldn't rather just start smoking and drinking again because at least then I'd be happy. But then I remind myself I wasn't always like this - I used to go for months without getting drunk or even having a drink. Although I used tobacco, it was smokeless (which is disgusting and unhealthy in its own way). I exercised and played sports. I spent my evenings playing computer games (flight simulators were my favorite) or watching television or taking college classes. And for the most part I was happy.

One of the hardest things about getting old is losing the sense of wonder and excitement I used to feel. I think that's where the booze came in - sort of an anesthetic or a substitute. By getting drunk I didn't have to acknowledge that something I had was missing.

Damn - time for pie.

Day Twenty-something

Next Monday will be one month since I gave up smoking and one week since I stopped drinking. Used my last piece of smoker's gum yesterday morning. Right now I'm restless and unable to concentrate and feeling depressed. I keep telling myself that in a few days my body and my brain will adjust and everything will return to normal and I know that's true because I've been through this before. But the depression seems worse this time, caused mainly I think by my sobriety and the realization of how much time I've wasted getting drunk and getting through the inevitable hang-overs. I keep trying to think of something I could do that I can look forward to or get some enjoyment from but of course thats the definition of depression - no enjoyment in anything.

I have faith that things will get better, but right now I just wish it was over with.

Day Fifteen - Still Smoke Free

Yeah, its true - two weeks without a smoke. Still chewing the gum. Almost ran out and began to feel the panic of not having something but made it through this morning. Which means when I do run out I'll still have withdrawal to deal with. The gum just postpones the inevitable. But I don't stink of stale smoke and my lungs are still cleaning themselves out and I bet my heart is happy, too.

Amount saved $120.00

P.S. I have been saving this money too - I transfer $8.00/day from a checking account into my emergency fund savings account.