I'm Fat Again, Dammit

This isn't the usual holiday bloat - I've been working on this for most of the past year.

I'm 6'1 and weigh around 240 pounds. Friends say I don't look fat, but my pants disagree. When I was in the service I used to wear a 36" waist. Now I wear a 38" waist and I have to button my trousers under my belly.

It's uncomfortable and its disgusting. How did I get this way?

I know exactly how this happened, because its happened before. My life can be defined by my fat/thin cycles. During one fat cycle many years ago I was put on the fat-boy list, meaning I exceeded Uncle Sugar's height and weight standards (I was put on the list after failing an annual body-fat check). Part of the formal process was consultation with a doctor. Because I didn't have a history of failing body-fat or weigh-in checks (I always managed to lose enough weight before the test) the doctor told me I was on "reward/punishment cycle", meaning I would punish myself through dieting and exercise and, after reaching my goal, would reward myself by not dieting and not exercising. Unfortunately, he never revealed how to break the cycle.

At this time a year ago I was in the process of getting a divorce. My now ex-wife had moved into another bed room and I was free to do what I wanted. I dieted and I exercised. For the first time in several years I got my weight below 210 pounds. Friends and co-workers complemented me on my new slim profile. My 38" pants got too big and I even bought a pair of 36" pants (that I never wore and are still hanging in my closet waiting for me to drop those few last pounds).

But then I began to celebrate my new found freedom through drinking. I drank everyday after work and all day on the weekdays. My girlfriend drank too. We had a great time, spending entire weekends in my pool drinking beer or rum and cokes or both and watching baseball. We went to pizza joints and split large pizzas. We grilled big rib-eyes and downed a bottle or two of wine with each meal. We took the boat out frequently, always with a cooler overflowing with beer and ice.

Good times.

But now I'm fat again (maybe the fattest I've ever been) and I'm sick of it. So come the first Monday of the new year I'll start a new punishment cycle - diet and exercise. The funny thing is, I always look forward to these periods of self-denial. I really get into it, especially the exercise. I like to run. I like to get up at 4:00 a.m. and go to the gym. I really like it when my pants fit.

So, how can I break this cycle? I have every confidence I can do this because I've done it before. But how do I do it forever? How do I prevent myself from entering another year-long reward cycle?

How?

Relapse

Right back where I started from.

How did it happen? I'll tell you how it happened - I got drunk, I got depressed, I got a hold of cigarette.

It was the booze - if I hadn't gotten drunk I wouldn't have become depressed and I wouldn't have grabbed that cigarette.

But that smoke instantly improved my mental state. I hadn't had a smoke in two months and hadn't had any nicotine for two weeks. The two to four week period of withdrawal is the most dangerous for relapses in my experience.

But its never too late to try again and try again I will, starting Monday, January 4th. But this time I'll have to swear off the booze for at least six weeks.

Actually, if I swore off the booze for ever it wouldn't hurt, but then I wouldn't have anything in common with my friends. The fact is I like to drink, and I like people who drink. Most people who don't drink bore me (there have been exceptions to that rule) and I think I scare or disgust them.

But periods of sobriety aren't new to me. I went for four months without a drop while deployed to Saudi Arabia ten years ago. It wasn't my choice - General Order #1 forbade the consumption of alcohol by U.S. troops. It was the quietest four months of my life - also the healthiest (I dropped forty pounds in those four months through diet and daily exercise).

There have been times in my life when I didn't get drunk for months at a time. The last time I went dry was four years ago. No booze for six weeks (although I did cheat once and have a glass of wine with a really nice steak). Extended periods of sobriety have become the exception rather than the rule for me these past six years.

What I remember about that six weeks was that I was still able to enjoy the company of my drinking friends for short periods of time. In fact, it was kind of fun to watch them go from sober to smashed and know that I would wake up the next morning with a clear head and happy stomach.

Another thing that has to change is my diet. Too much pizza, too much bread, too much of everything. So I go on a diet next Monday too. And I start exercising six days a week again too. I've put on so much weight I can't fit into my fat-boy pants anymore (42" gut trying to fit into a 38" waist!).

So in a few more days I'll start over. Until then, I'll smoke, drink, and eat what I want.