I'm Fat Again, Dammit

This isn't the usual holiday bloat - I've been working on this for most of the past year.

I'm 6'1 and weigh around 240 pounds. Friends say I don't look fat, but my pants disagree. When I was in the service I used to wear a 36" waist. Now I wear a 38" waist and I have to button my trousers under my belly.

It's uncomfortable and its disgusting. How did I get this way?

I know exactly how this happened, because its happened before. My life can be defined by my fat/thin cycles. During one fat cycle many years ago I was put on the fat-boy list, meaning I exceeded Uncle Sugar's height and weight standards (I was put on the list after failing an annual body-fat check). Part of the formal process was consultation with a doctor. Because I didn't have a history of failing body-fat or weigh-in checks (I always managed to lose enough weight before the test) the doctor told me I was on "reward/punishment cycle", meaning I would punish myself through dieting and exercise and, after reaching my goal, would reward myself by not dieting and not exercising. Unfortunately, he never revealed how to break the cycle.

At this time a year ago I was in the process of getting a divorce. My now ex-wife had moved into another bed room and I was free to do what I wanted. I dieted and I exercised. For the first time in several years I got my weight below 210 pounds. Friends and co-workers complemented me on my new slim profile. My 38" pants got too big and I even bought a pair of 36" pants (that I never wore and are still hanging in my closet waiting for me to drop those few last pounds).

But then I began to celebrate my new found freedom through drinking. I drank everyday after work and all day on the weekdays. My girlfriend drank too. We had a great time, spending entire weekends in my pool drinking beer or rum and cokes or both and watching baseball. We went to pizza joints and split large pizzas. We grilled big rib-eyes and downed a bottle or two of wine with each meal. We took the boat out frequently, always with a cooler overflowing with beer and ice.

Good times.

But now I'm fat again (maybe the fattest I've ever been) and I'm sick of it. So come the first Monday of the new year I'll start a new punishment cycle - diet and exercise. The funny thing is, I always look forward to these periods of self-denial. I really get into it, especially the exercise. I like to run. I like to get up at 4:00 a.m. and go to the gym. I really like it when my pants fit.

So, how can I break this cycle? I have every confidence I can do this because I've done it before. But how do I do it forever? How do I prevent myself from entering another year-long reward cycle?

How?

Relapse

Right back where I started from.

How did it happen? I'll tell you how it happened - I got drunk, I got depressed, I got a hold of cigarette.

It was the booze - if I hadn't gotten drunk I wouldn't have become depressed and I wouldn't have grabbed that cigarette.

But that smoke instantly improved my mental state. I hadn't had a smoke in two months and hadn't had any nicotine for two weeks. The two to four week period of withdrawal is the most dangerous for relapses in my experience.

But its never too late to try again and try again I will, starting Monday, January 4th. But this time I'll have to swear off the booze for at least six weeks.

Actually, if I swore off the booze for ever it wouldn't hurt, but then I wouldn't have anything in common with my friends. The fact is I like to drink, and I like people who drink. Most people who don't drink bore me (there have been exceptions to that rule) and I think I scare or disgust them.

But periods of sobriety aren't new to me. I went for four months without a drop while deployed to Saudi Arabia ten years ago. It wasn't my choice - General Order #1 forbade the consumption of alcohol by U.S. troops. It was the quietest four months of my life - also the healthiest (I dropped forty pounds in those four months through diet and daily exercise).

There have been times in my life when I didn't get drunk for months at a time. The last time I went dry was four years ago. No booze for six weeks (although I did cheat once and have a glass of wine with a really nice steak). Extended periods of sobriety have become the exception rather than the rule for me these past six years.

What I remember about that six weeks was that I was still able to enjoy the company of my drinking friends for short periods of time. In fact, it was kind of fun to watch them go from sober to smashed and know that I would wake up the next morning with a clear head and happy stomach.

Another thing that has to change is my diet. Too much pizza, too much bread, too much of everything. So I go on a diet next Monday too. And I start exercising six days a week again too. I've put on so much weight I can't fit into my fat-boy pants anymore (42" gut trying to fit into a 38" waist!).

So in a few more days I'll start over. Until then, I'll smoke, drink, and eat what I want.

Finally Got Back To Work

Finally got back to work tonight, beginning a business plan for a part-time web consulting business I hope to open by 1 December. I also posted to my real blog at www.jacoulter.com. I mentioned some of the problems drinking have caused.

An interesting article in today's L.A. Times on acceptance of a new definition alcohol abuse that more clearly identifies it as separate from alcohol dependence:
You can cut back on alcohol. Guess I'm proof that you can cut back or cut it out all together without outside assistance. I've done it several times in the past few years and used to do it without thinking because my drinking was confined to occasional weekends or special events. Since coming here and starting a new career I became an almost daily drinker, getting hammered at least once usually more times a week.

But the fun finally wore off after five years and I'm finding everyday I'm sober to be better than the last. It's almost like visiting a strange country.

Seven Days of Sober

This time a week ago I was well on my way to another hangover. I was having fun, but I'd been drinking most of the day because I was hungover from the night before. I was surrounded by my friends, who are all drinkers too, which might explain why I went from being an occasional drinker to a full-time drunkard.

I had a quiet day today. Still not sure what to do with myself, but I fixed french toast for my girlfriend who stopped by on her way home after work. I actually went wandering in a home improvement store to kill some time. I have a leaky shower door and I needed a scraper to remove the old caulking so that was my excuse for driving across town. But it beat sitting on the back deck or the couch missing cigarettes.

After I completed that minor project I started yard work and soon realized just how out of shape I've become. I was cutting back palmetto and thinning out shrub trees and I got tired very quickly. I ate too much for lunch too (a full can of Hormel's chili and a P.B.J. with saltines, potato chips, and whole milk - yum!) and dozed on the couch before going back to work. I spent two more hours cutting and dragging and cutting and dragging and at the end my back was sore but the tension in my shoulders and neck was gone so that made it worth it.

My eating is still too much too often. But my mood was improved today so I'm hoping I'll translate that into enthusiasm for exercise and a proper diet. Soon, I hope.

Day Six for Sobriety - cont'd

I really want a cigarette and a drink. The craving is at its worst right after I eat, and I keep eating to suppress the craving. Nice.
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One change I have noticed is the tension I'm feeling in my neck and shoulders. It means I need to exercise - a nice thirty minute jog would do wonders. I haven't felt this tension in a long time because instead of exercising I've been drinking. Without the booze my body is returning to normal.

So I need to start exercising again but I'm not looking forward to the first week - and to be honest I'm worried. I think its been at least nine months since I've been to the gym or gone for a run. I've put on fifteen pounds. I'll need to take it easy until I'm sure I can press it.

I haven't had a proper physical in six years - I need to do that too. But I don't want to go see a doctor in the shape I'm in. I'd be embarrassed which is a reason for not getting a check-up. So maybe I should make myself a deal and make an appointment after thirty days of exercise.

When will I start exercising again? I think Monday is a good day to start. But I'm wondering if I should go back to my old routine of getting up at 0400 Monday -
Friday and driving to the base gym or if I should do like I used a long time ago and run after work. Its definitely warmer after work and I'll be able to see more of the neighborhood and this really is the best time of year - cool and dry. But getting up early worked well because I got my work out done first thing and didn't have to worry about making excuses not to go later in the day or evening.

Man, I want a cigarette and a drink.

Day Six for Sobriety

Wow - I haven't been this sober for this long in several years. And its strange - I find myself wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't know if it's a combination of withdrawal from the nicotine and not getting hammered every night like I've been doing for the past nine months or just fact that I'm not doing what I'm usually doing on a Saturday night.

The craving for nicotine is still strong. I seem to need to have something in my mouth at all times - food, gum, sunflower seeds, or one of those small plastic straws used to stir coffee or cocktails. I know the craving will fade but I sure wish it would hurry up. Part of the problem is I'm not doing anything physical or that requires any concentration - so my mind is free to wish I had a cigarette.

The past few days have been depressing. I find myself wondering if I wouldn't rather just start smoking and drinking again because at least then I'd be happy. But then I remind myself I wasn't always like this - I used to go for months without getting drunk or even having a drink. Although I used tobacco, it was smokeless (which is disgusting and unhealthy in its own way). I exercised and played sports. I spent my evenings playing computer games (flight simulators were my favorite) or watching television or taking college classes. And for the most part I was happy.

One of the hardest things about getting old is losing the sense of wonder and excitement I used to feel. I think that's where the booze came in - sort of an anesthetic or a substitute. By getting drunk I didn't have to acknowledge that something I had was missing.

Damn - time for pie.

Day Twenty-something

Next Monday will be one month since I gave up smoking and one week since I stopped drinking. Used my last piece of smoker's gum yesterday morning. Right now I'm restless and unable to concentrate and feeling depressed. I keep telling myself that in a few days my body and my brain will adjust and everything will return to normal and I know that's true because I've been through this before. But the depression seems worse this time, caused mainly I think by my sobriety and the realization of how much time I've wasted getting drunk and getting through the inevitable hang-overs. I keep trying to think of something I could do that I can look forward to or get some enjoyment from but of course thats the definition of depression - no enjoyment in anything.

I have faith that things will get better, but right now I just wish it was over with.

Day Fifteen - Still Smoke Free

Yeah, its true - two weeks without a smoke. Still chewing the gum. Almost ran out and began to feel the panic of not having something but made it through this morning. Which means when I do run out I'll still have withdrawal to deal with. The gum just postpones the inevitable. But I don't stink of stale smoke and my lungs are still cleaning themselves out and I bet my heart is happy, too.

Amount saved $120.00

P.S. I have been saving this money too - I transfer $8.00/day from a checking account into my emergency fund savings account.

Day Nine - Ho Hum

Cravings not too bad today. Gum usage a little less than yesterday, so that's fine.

But now that I've stopped smoking and cut back somewhat on my drinking (two beers before bed last night), my body is reminding me that I need to exercise.

The last time I was at the gym on a regular basis was well over a year ago. Dreading going back because I know its going to hurt when I do. But I have to go back or else I'm going to keep getting fatter and fatter. Already over 220 pounds - feel like a sausage trying to burst out of its skin.

So, I need to set a date and prepare for it properly. Next Monday works - as long as I don't drink too much on Sunday, which I doubt I will because I have to drive over 100 miles home from the regatta.

The hardest part of recovery is getting started - once you do that, and if you can keep a routine going for at least two weeks it becomes much easier because after two weeks you start to notice the positive changes taking place.

And I really want to stop feeling like I'm about to split the seam on the backside of my pants.

Amount saved on cigarettes: $72.00

Day Eight - Next Goes The Gum

The box of smoker's gum I bought a week ago will run out in the next day or two. Since this is the beginning of the week, I think I'll try to live without it. Next weekend I'll be out of town attending a small regatta. The challenge will be to drink with my fellow sailors without bumming a smoke off of one them.

Amount I would have spent on smokes but have saved instead so far: $64.00

(Actually its probably more - I usually smoked more than a pack-a-day on the weekends. . .)

Day Seven - Still Smoke Free

Still chewing gum and spitting sunflower seeds. Had a really strong craving this morning when I woke up because its Sunday and Sunday used to be strong coffee and unfiltered cigarettes on the back deck but I pressed on. It's cooled off here now so eating breakfast on the back deck wasn't an option and that made it easier.

All in all, this hasn't been so bad. But I still need to give up the gum. If I can go a few days without drinking alcohol I might be able to do it.

Amount saved: $56.00

Day Five - Getting Ready For The Weekend

I really want to buy a pack of smokes and a twelve-pack, but I'm not going to. Old Friday afternoon habits are hard to break.

Instead, I'll go home, change, load the dog into the truck, and take him down to the yacht club to let him crap on the grass - he loves that (and yes, I clean up after him). I'll make sure to pack some sunflower seeds, which really help take my mind off smoking.

After that, I'll go back home, do some housework, and then report to my second job in my back office. I've been working from 5 - 9p.m. this week and that's helped keep me from cracking open a beer, although I did drink a bottle of pinot noir last night after work while watching game 5 of the ALCS championship.

My girlfriend is coming over at 9:00 p.m. She smokes and drinks, but has been good about not smoking around me. My challenge tonight is to enjoy a glass or three of wine without busting into her smokes.

Wish me luck.

Amount saved: $40.00

Day Four - Eating Too Much

Eating too much, but the cravings still aren't too bad. Much better than previous attempts made the past year, but was under much more stress than I am now.

First weekend is approaching - tomorrow is Friday night, but I have to work until 9:00 p.m. and I don't plan on going out. My girlfriend will visit after work though, but she's been great about not smoking around me. It's not her smoking that worries me though, it's the drinking. Have to work Saturday from 8:00 a.m. to 12:00 pm, so hope I can use that as an excuse to get to bed early.

Amount saved: $32.00

Day Three - Can't Taste Anything

For some reason I've lost my sense of taste - can't even taste salt. Don't remember this from previous attempts to quit smoking, but whatever.

Lungs started clearing themselves this morning. Expect to cough up phlegm for a week or two. That's a good thing.

Cravings aren't too bad. Gum is helping, but jaws and gums are sore. Trying to limit the gum and use plastic coffee straws or sunflower seeds instead with some success.

Drank too much alcohol last night, but didn't really feel the urge for a smoke. Still, need to limit intake of booze for that and other reasons.

Amount saved: $24.00

Day Two - Get Through It

48 hours since my last cigarette. Starting to feel twitchy and slightly irritable. No jimmy-legs (RLS) last night - good. One glass of red wine last night. Need to re-stock on nicotine gum.

Amount saved since Sunday: $16.00

Day One - Another Promising Start

Less than an hour until its been 24 hours since my last cigarette. So far, withdrawal has been mild, but I can feel that familiar tension in my growing in my jaws. No irritability - yet. Gum is helping. Wonder how bad the jimmy-legs (Restless Leg Syndrome) will be tonight?