Day Six for Sobriety

Wow - I haven't been this sober for this long in several years. And its strange - I find myself wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't know if it's a combination of withdrawal from the nicotine and not getting hammered every night like I've been doing for the past nine months or just fact that I'm not doing what I'm usually doing on a Saturday night.

The craving for nicotine is still strong. I seem to need to have something in my mouth at all times - food, gum, sunflower seeds, or one of those small plastic straws used to stir coffee or cocktails. I know the craving will fade but I sure wish it would hurry up. Part of the problem is I'm not doing anything physical or that requires any concentration - so my mind is free to wish I had a cigarette.

The past few days have been depressing. I find myself wondering if I wouldn't rather just start smoking and drinking again because at least then I'd be happy. But then I remind myself I wasn't always like this - I used to go for months without getting drunk or even having a drink. Although I used tobacco, it was smokeless (which is disgusting and unhealthy in its own way). I exercised and played sports. I spent my evenings playing computer games (flight simulators were my favorite) or watching television or taking college classes. And for the most part I was happy.

One of the hardest things about getting old is losing the sense of wonder and excitement I used to feel. I think that's where the booze came in - sort of an anesthetic or a substitute. By getting drunk I didn't have to acknowledge that something I had was missing.

Damn - time for pie.