And I don't know exactly why.
Felt great yesterday. Girlfriend came over over dinner and even though I wanted to join her for a drink I stuck with diet Coke. Made omelets and hash browns and biscuits and watched a movie. Went to bed sober and woke up feeling fine.
But something happened between now and then and I'm not sure what though I have my suspicions. A past failure, something I wanted to achieve but failed to do so, was brought back to center stage. And so I've been beating myself up for failing at something that in all reality was likely beyond my power to change, at least in a meaningful way.
I've been stuck in a could've would've should've loop all morning. It will eventually fade away on it's own, but for now its damned hard to get excited about anything.
Time. Time cures everything that hurts.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
A week ago this time I was still processing the alcohol I'd ingested the day before (a Sunday): an Irish coffee followed by a whole bunch of beer. In fact, while at a late dinner with friends, I managed to down three bottles of Guiness.
The next day I felt my usual self - not hungover exactly, but tired and unmotivated and nothing to look forward to but my next drunk.
Except I didn't get drunk. That evening I smoked the last cigarette in the last pack from the last carton I'd bought for $60.00 before Christmas holidays and went to bed knowing that I'd finally reached the place I knew would come to sooner or later - the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
Now, a week later, I find myself waking up and looking forward to the day. I haven't done that in a long time - at least a year. I'm chewing nicotine gum again - lots of it - but its not nearly as expensive as the cigarettes I was buying and it doesn't make my clothes and breath stink. And I got a lot of work done this weekend on a project I've been neglecting for the past nine months.
I'm excited to be excited again. This feels good. And I'm not going to ruin it with a drink.
The next day I felt my usual self - not hungover exactly, but tired and unmotivated and nothing to look forward to but my next drunk.
Except I didn't get drunk. That evening I smoked the last cigarette in the last pack from the last carton I'd bought for $60.00 before Christmas holidays and went to bed knowing that I'd finally reached the place I knew would come to sooner or later - the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
Now, a week later, I find myself waking up and looking forward to the day. I haven't done that in a long time - at least a year. I'm chewing nicotine gum again - lots of it - but its not nearly as expensive as the cigarettes I was buying and it doesn't make my clothes and breath stink. And I got a lot of work done this weekend on a project I've been neglecting for the past nine months.
I'm excited to be excited again. This feels good. And I'm not going to ruin it with a drink.
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